happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
