I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
