it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
