No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
