she's into porn, im staying here tonight
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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