I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
