the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
