I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
