I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
