OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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