you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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