she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
