The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
