Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
