i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
