my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
