Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
