What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
