Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Randomize
