We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
