I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
