He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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