Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Randomize
