I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
