I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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