Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
last night I used snow as a chaser
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
