you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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