Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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