I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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