I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
