I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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