mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
he puts the penis in happiness.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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