I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
how do flat chested girls get laid?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
