she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
