I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
