I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
