im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
