I hate all girls vehemently.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
