I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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