If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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