Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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