I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
