Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
