toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
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