I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
