I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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