why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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