fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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