Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Randomize
