i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
