I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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