what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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