So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
