My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
