Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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